Diamond Cartel? Excellent decision!

I have a plan.  A plan to solve all of my problems, which include being unemployed, broke, living with my parents, and unable to afford unicorn bait for my traps.

I haven’t shared this yet because I was ashamed.  It’s a natural reaction to what I have considered my affliction for a long time.  But I think its time for the world to know my secret.
I drive a white conversion van. 

Some of you may know this by a different name, namely a rapist van, but let me assure you that my van is a pillar of pure and wholesome wonder.  My van doesn’t make the world worse (like rapists), it makes the world better (like the Planeteers). 

Conversion vans are not a thing of shame and ridicule.  My van is no longer something to hide in the shadows of Notre Dame until Disney declares the need for a sudden upswing in self esteem.  No, my van is nothing more than a fat unicorn, a primitive space ship, a tiny house that will keep me from ever being truly homeless.  My delicate constitution is flower-like and frail, I couldn’t handle anything more primitive that a refrigerator box.

And it is my van that has solved everything, even though both of its bumpers have been ripped off (not my fault, by the way), its TV doesn’t work anymore, the roof has two patched up holes (my fault, never underestimate the height of a rapist van) and two of the seatbelts are missing.  My van is no longer an affliction, now, it is a blessing, it’s the cure to the disease of poverty that has afflicted me for nearly 2 months now.  Yeah, I don’t know how I survived this long either.  My will to live is more powerful than Bear Grylls and Les Stroud combined.

You see, I recently learned that there is a natural park in Alabama that is just shitting diamonds.  DIAMONDS.  And they let you keep whatever you find.  I think you see where I am going with this. 

I’m totally moving to Alabama, and by moving I mean driving down there and awkwardly living in my van, possibly showering in truck stop sinks and/or small waterfalls.  Haven't we all secretly wanted to shower in small waterfalls at some point or other? 
I am becoming a diamond cartel.  And none of my diamonds will be covered with the metaphorical blood and shame of destitute African babies.  See what I did there?  I just turned my greedy self centered plan into an operation that will help to completely knock out one of the saddest businesses ever.  I win.