Cannibalism Commercials

While in college, I had no TV.  This was not because I am a pretentious hipster who needs to be put in my place.  I promise that was definitely not the reason.  I had no TV because I broke my old one and was way too lazy to get another one.  Also, I was too cheap.

Since I had taken a semi-voluntary vow of poverty if I wanted to watch TV I had to go into the basement of my sorority house and watch it there.  Except I would have to watch some stupid reality TV show because I never ever saw that TV not in use.  Since I value my IQ points (they are, after all, my meal ticket) I was forced to find alternate methods to get my dose of cable.  Namely, sucking it up.

So I haven’t seen much TV at all except for when I could manage to snipe the boyfriend’s TV from him.  This wasn’t to be mean, it was just so I could watch south park or Steven Hawking instead of entertaining myself while he was watching football/baseball/hockey was on.  And even then, if it came down to a wrestling match for the channel changer I probably wouldn’t win, even with my awesome Thunderdome fighting skills.  (Tip: hit him in the knee cap with the channel changer and sprint!  You may not get the TV but he wont get to change the channel either.).
However, now that I have nothing to fill up my time except for job applications, grad school applications and TV, I have come to a realization.  Here it is:

Commercials are awful, more awful then ever before.  And not just because they are intrinsically akin to the spawn of Satan, now they do something even worse that create cliffhangers and be a billion times louder than the TV show. 

They make me feel sad :C

I have seen commercials where they personify a food item, they make you love this food item, you want it to succeed in its endeavors and live a long happy life.  Then, moments after you fall in friend-love with it, the food item is EATEN TO DEATH by a suburban family who smile cold unfeeling smirks of death. 

I was watching TV the other week, and a cough-drop commercial (the brand of which rhymes with Ebola) came on.  In it, a bee fell in love with a cough-drop and as they were boating together on a leaf, sharing secrets and dreams and whispering sweet nothings to each other, some asshole reached out of the sky and ATE THE COUGH-DROP.  And then the bee was sobbing and screaming because his true love had been plucked out of the boat and his life and eaten!  Fuck you cough-drop brand I am never buying a cough drop from you ever again.  Why?  Because you are cannibalistic assholes.  I’m getting all teary-eyes about that bee right now.
But it gets worse.

They have a commercial where a frightened lady chocolate is afraid to get on the catapult of death that will shoot her into the living room full of a bunch of chocolate eating suburbanites in white.  So the man chocolate hugs her with his paper string and they get on the death catapult together and are eaten by a ‘loving couple’ with a small ‘son’ (demons don’t have real children).
Are you kidding me?  Why would that make me want to eat your candy?!  You just portrayed the violent deaths of two young lovers!  And the people who ate them smiled over at each other like they had just absorbed the two little chocolate souls and could feel a brief flash of emotion before they sunk back into the cold empty void from which their cruelty springs.

Its like watching a tiny little version Saw.  A 30 second long flash of absolute soul crushing horror.  What ad person thought this up?  And who told them that it was a good idea?!  Why would they inflict these images on the American public?  What have we done?