Its not just for large breed dogs...

One of the best parts of living at home with my parents is all the things I am learning about myself.  Only today when I was out shopping with my mom did I learn that every time she sees Flo on the insurance commercials, she is hilariously reminded of me.  This is a resemblance that I hadn’t noticed, but I am excited about none the less.

That’s right, you learn a ton about yourself when you live with your parents.  For instance, I also didn’t know this but it would seem that my childhood memories of myself are wildly inaccurate, I have disassociate identity disorder that causes me to do things I cant remember and then be yelled at for them later (the idea that I didn’t leave the swiffer in the upstairs bathroom is laughable), and I do not have the ability to make oatmeal every morning for breakfast without my mother explaining it.  I figured out that I have no idea who/what I am today when my mother was waxing poetic about how I used to have hip displasia.

I had, until today, thought that disease was limited to large breed dogs, but I was mistaken.  Thankfully, this revelation sheds plenty of new light on my unexplained tendency toward awkward behavior.  You see, when babies have hip displasia they do not need fancy surgery, leg braces, healing yak tears from Kazakhstan, or a presidential writ.  It turns out not only are these things not useful, but may in fact be detrimental to the health of a small child.

You see my friends, babies with hip displasia just need to wear two or three diapers at all times so their legs stick out like antennae and attract judgmental stares from everyone the baby goes by.  Babies don’t have feelings of shame, so its totally okay to do.  So what if this leads to a tiny baby complex that eventually morphs into a full blown adult complex, especially when said baby is sitting next her perfectly normal twin sister?  They can’t tell you they are embarrassed by their huge padded ass, because babies cant talk.  Everyone wins!

Now, I know some of you are saying to yourself ‘Caitlin, extra diapers are for children that happen to be particularly adept at relieving themselves.  I have no idea if you were or not, but I am fairly certain diapers do not help hips do anything but get a rash.’  Well, you are wrong, extra diapers also cushion falls.

Imagine hip displasia as a baseball glove and a baseball; only, the baseball is the size of a beach ball and your dog ate the long fingers off your glove so its tiny and wont hold the ball.  That is what my hip was like.  In order to fix that I had to not move my legs, so that the hip socket (baseball glove) would grow around the ball of the hip (baseball).  But how will you keep the baseball in the glove that cant grip?  Wrap a diaper around it.  Duh.

I was born awkward.