Today I went to a substitute teaching  workshop.  Here is what I learned:

    Blood-born pathogens are just like 4 piece puzzles. (only for stupid people)
    The announcer has a 6 year old that she calls a princess who likes to wear band-aids and has absolutely no relevance to substitute teaching.
    If you have blood on your hands don’t comb your hair.
    I need to practice my crab drawings, they are unimpressive.
    The call system that calls 1200 people a day about subbing is registered in Florida.  This means EVERY single call it makes it long distance.  I have a budget solution for the education system.
   
I was also treated to another round with the stupid-questions-asker.  I thought that I was free of this remarkably dumb class of Homo Sapien (light on the Sapien) after I graduated, but I was wrong.  You all have dealt with the SQA at some point in your life.  If you have not, it is because you are the one who asks stupid questions in a pretentious tone of voice.  News flash: Just because you speak like a Harvard Cliché doesn’t make your question any less asinine.  Here are some examples:

    “Do we have the right to search students should we suspect they have contraband, such as cellular phones, on their persons?”  (CREEPER!)

    “Are we expected to follow the dress code set forth for students?”

    “I have a question, that answer is the fact that you just stated a moment ago, the fact that is clearly written on the PowerPoint slide right at this moment.” (this question happened 4 times.  FOUR TIMES)

    “My daughter does X and I do Y as punishment.  Can I use Y on my students?”

    “My daughter has a cell phone in school and she doesn’t get in trouble.”
   
    “I have a daughter in elementary school and if you yell at her I will make you cry.”

(Obviously this lady needs to take a step back.  Maybe children these days wouldn’t be so awful if they got yelled at when they deserved it.  I’m not advocating bringing beating back into school, but when little Timmy learns he can take apart a ball point pen and shoot ink across the room like a frightened squid, a raised voice is in order.  I lived in fear of getting yelled at when I was little.  I came out perfectly normal.)

I am not sure why this old bag thought her ability to spawn somehow gave her an informative perspective on substitute teaching.  Quite frankly I’m young enough that I have some grasp on how school systems work.  I was in one only 4 years ago.  This lady, however, was convinced that her reproductive success gave her a so much knowledge it actually eclipsed that of the person whose job it is to read PowerPoint slides to everyone.  She wasn’t even asking questions at the end.  She was just drawing out the session by giving WRONG ANSWERS to stupid questions other people addressed to the speaker.

Really lady?

REALLY?

My ankle is blowing up like a balloon in the back of this auditorium and you/re dragging out this session because you want to discuss your kid?  Did no one ever mention choosing the appropriate venue to you?

And that was how I became certified to substitute teach.