So I was watching the discovery channel yesterday. For those of you who also tuned in, you know that they were playing “Wild Pacific” and the “Life” series. So I blissed out for the entire day, marveled at the wonders of the world and felt safe and happy.
It was during this time that I realized my new life goal: coral gardener.
Can there be a better career? Nope. There cannot be. Except dinosaur clone-er, unicorn trainer, and bubble blower.
As a coral gardener you must grow beautiful hard-shelled polyps that create a magical colorful garden that looks like a wonderland adorned with glee and enchantment. Then your colorful garden of magic will attract beautiful fish, which are also nice to look at and often delicious to eat. And what will you need to do in order to create this beautiful garden of wonder and delight? Swim in the ocean like a graceful mermaid. Best job ever!
I must be a coral gardener.
I had no idea that this was a job option was open for me. But now that I know nothing can stop me; excepting an acceptance letter from one of the graduate schools I am applying to. I will create a technicolor wonderland on the sea floor and people will think I am doing it to be environmentally conscious, a good citizen of earth or whatever they‘re calling themselves lately. They wont notice that I am actually doing it because I like colors, snorkeling and octopi.
It would be the most magical job ever. I could swim among the coral reefs rescuing small corals that would die at the hands (branches) of bigger and more developed corals. I would be helping the earth grow more of her delightful sea jewelry. I could have giant clams! And once they died I could use their giant shells as bathtubs! Or a bed!
It would be like a normal garden, but there wouldn’t be that depressing part where all the flowers slowly age and die. I hate it when that happens. The coral will live long enough for me to not know when it dies and I wont have to think about it. Or, a piggish looking bad guy will attempt to destroy it and either Captain Planet or the Sea Ponies from My Little Ponies will come and rescue me/save my garden. That would be just as awesome and it fulfills one of my other life dreams.
There are so many more pluses to life spent gardening under the sea besides bath tubs and ponies, however.
1-You don’t have to listen to idiots under the ocean because it is very difficult to speak while under water. And any idiot who tries to speak to you will drown, so you are also helping elevate the human race to a new level of awesome by cleaning out the gene pool.
2-You can write off all of your awesome scuba gear as a business expense on your taxes.
3-You will win the unspoken ‘who has the best job?’ contest at class reunions.
3-You can get a thank you hug from an octopus, which is awesome because they have 8 arms, which means their hugs are 8 times better than everyone else’s.
4-swimming is an excellent full-body workout.
5-You got no troubles, cause life is the bubbles under the sea.
6-You will be really, really good at breath holding contests.
7-You can tell PETA demonstrators your job and make them feel like ass-hats for doing something as mundane as prancing around handing out stickers.
8-You can catch and eat your own seafood with an awesome homemade spear and be like Les Stroud who is way more awesome than Bear Grylls.
9-You have the chance of locating pirate treasure and selling it to a museum to fund your awesome coral garden.
10-Darling its better, down where its wetter.
11-You can ride a majestic sea turtle around your brilliantly colored domain.
12-The only laws you have to follow are the laws of the sea. They seem to result in death more frequently than the laws of the land, so be careful.
I am willing to share my awesome plan; we can build our reef on a reef of friendship! If you need me I'll be practicing snorkeling in my bathtub.
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