The Noble Kiwi Bird

Consider, if you will, the noble Kiwi Bird.

Admire him, with his keen black eyes and swift sharp beak, offset by his adorably rotund body.  Can he truly be considered majestic?  Yes, yes he can.  The Kiwi Bird is a miracle, a gift, a delightful surprise from mother nature.  She created him in remorse over the centipede, sought to make the world better by offering to her human children the Kiwi Bird.

The majestic Kiwi makes up for its flightless state through a series of truly marvelous adaptations.  The national bird of New Zealand, nocturnal by nature, has a truly mind-boggling sense of smell.  While other foolish cultures rely on bloodhounds for their strong noses and jaws, natives use the kiwi bird for all their prisoner-catching needs*.  The kiwi bird senses many things with its wonderful nose/beak, including unicorns, various precious metal ores and even fossilized dinosaurs*.  Its beak can also be used like an assassin’s stiletto*.

But that is not all that we can appreciate about this delightfully pudgy avian.  They are tremendously sensitive lovers.. The noble Kiwi Bird remains monogamous.  It can be found getting it on once every three days in a love nest the pair constructed from glitter, diamonds and palm fronds*.  This is all carefully stipulated in a highly ritualized contract creation process*.  These creatures are truly reproductive masters.  After they perform their carefully scheduled and articulated lovemaking (often lawyers are present to make sure that each term is met*) the kiwi female, who is the size of a chicken, lays an egg approximately 6 times the size of chicken’s egg.  During this time she subsists on a massive diet, consisting of various flora and fauna that are both mythical and mundane in nature*.

The kiwi goes further than any other flightless bird when called to duty.  This small but courageous creature is considered by Maori to be the guardian of both the tribes people and the forest itself.  Though small, the bird is tenacious and quick witted.  It uses its steel claws to defend the honor of everything in its path*. 

Should the kiwi ever be rescued by an charitable human it will form a bond with the person who saved its life*.  Upon this occurrence the brain of the man and bird will become one, allowing for telepathic communication that, if developed properly, can range over 60 miles in distance*.  This has lead to a great demand for these linked pairs  as spies in the New Zealand espionage force, particularly since the recent discovery of rich veins of adamantium in the high mountains of the island nation*.  Duty for these pairs is performed both at home and abroad, in order to prevent other countries from taking advantage of this remarkably strong metal to create a legion of Wolverine-like soldiers*.

Kiwi birds also have their own stamp and shoe polish brand.


*I made that up… sorry :C