The PNM: An Astounding Update

If you do not know who the PNM is, please visit this first so you can truly appreciate the gravity of the situation:  http://kellcait.blogspot.com/2010/09/perfectly-normal-haunting.html

I know that many of you have been simply peeing your pants over what is going on between me and my otherworldly friend, the Perfect Normal Man.  I apologize for leaving you in the dark for so long, but I had no further information on his existence.  Thankfully, for my mind and your pants, I have discovered something, something that has shed significant light on PNM’s tragic and normal existence.

I having been living in a blissful state of existence where I did not know that under my house there is a boarded up room with no entrance, and apparently no floor, though I have been unable to substantiate these claims because my mother wont let me rip off the boards.  That’s right.  I had a secret creepy, boarded-up room in my basement and my parents have no idea what is back there, hidden away from our eyes.  When I shine my purple flashlight through the crack in between a grayish piece of drywall and a wooden board all I see is thick, suffocating blackness.  The pitch black that signals the coming of death and despair, of pain and suffering and horror.  My mom says its probably full of bugs; I think they are bugs feasting on the flesh of the Perfectly Normal Man's hidden body.

And how did we discover this room you ask?  Well, the floor in our living room gets bone chillingly cold.  My mother, being the handyman and brains of the family, wisely said to herself ‘this shouldn’t be happening’ and began to investigate.  She looked outside and realized that, oh my, there seem to be two tiny BARRED WINDOWS on the base of the house, but there is no basement on this side.  How peculiar.  So she moved several boxes and found a hastily constructed wall hiding a secret chamber (of horrors).

That’s right, just like the Amityville house, my house has a creepy crawl space.  Just like Ryan Reynolds, I will crowbar my way back there and discover the ghosts of dead tortured people and then I will be possessed and it will be unpleasant for everyone.  No one likes to hang out with someone who is possessed, and exorcisms are really hard to come by these days.  Nearly impossible, in fact.

I mean, I was baptized Roman Catholic when I was an infant.  Unfortunately, the first time I went to a service was when my cousin got married, and I had a really hard time paying attention because all I could think of was how the bible was created as a method of social control.  And then I was worrying because I knew that God would be super mad at me for thinking about that during a service for him.  And I couldn’t decide if I should eat the cracker or not, and it was all bad, and I am sure the priest talked to god and I am on the Do Not Exorcise list.

So now I am living in fear because I just know that there is a dead body under my feet as I type this.  I have been working out 20 feet away from it every day for the last two months.  I could have breathed its microbes and then the microbes would multiply in my lungs and my tuberculosis test will come back positive and I will have to live in a bubble.

I know you probably think I am being ridiculous.  You think that it is just a crawlspace, but then why would they finish all of the basement except for a living room sized crawlspace in the corner that you wont even notice unless your mother searches it out like Sherlock Holmes?  There is no good reason for that!  There are, however, bunches and bunches of evil, twisted reasons like those found on Saw, Hostel and some Supernatural episodes.  Evil, twisted reasons covered in centipedes. 

All of that is happening.  In my basement.  Right Now.  Which is why my house is totally haunted.