tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb

I figure this would be an adequate time to discuss my dogs.

You see, I couldn’t think of a thing to write about today.  My brain is melting from a combination of drugs and boredom.  But, as I was watching Bones and reading a book called “Stop Dressing Your 6-Year-Old Like a Skank” (a sentiment with which I agree entirely) I looked up because I heard a strange sound.

BAM!!!

My eyes were assaulted with the sight of my small dog, Whinny (like the horse), trying to get comfortable.  It is not often that I see something so mind-bogglingly stupid, yet more delightful than a double rainbow, occurring in my very own living room.  Getting comfortable was particularly difficult for Whinny as she had chosen to sleep on top of my crutches, which are propped up on the coffee table.  I’m not sure why she has chosen to sleep there.  She cant even stay on them, her shoulder keeps sliding off.  Every 2 or 3 minutes she has to get up and re-adjust herself before carefully lying back down on her metal perch.  Probably because metal bolts are digging into her FACE.

I got you a picture of her looking at me like I am a terrible, terrible person for not using crutches more conducive to sleeping on.  You would think, after the dawn vomit fiasco, she would be frightened of the crutches.  But no, she is not, I suspect because she is… kinda dumb.

I have no explanation for her dumbness.  When one examines her, she appears to be a lab/beagle/border collie mix, all of which are dogs known for their intelligence.  I would tell you exactly what she is, but when Twin picked her up from a box of free puppies I was more concerned with how our parents were going to murder us to death.

I suppose both of my dogs are kinda dumb.  In addition to Whinny the dumb mutt, we have Max, the dumb Shar pei.  It is not Max’s fault she is dumb.  And yes, Max is a she, when we rescued her, her name was Juliet.  But my father, in a stunning act of rebellion, demanded we name her Maximus Decimus Aurelius after the character Russel Crowe plays on Gladiator, because he was the only boy in the house.  I know.

In addition to a stunning degree of gender confusion Max now suffers from, she is also a pure bred Shar Pei.  Wanna know what happened to Shar Peis when communists took over China?  They did their best to drown the shit out of the entire breed and only 7 survived.  7.  Poor dog, she is an incestuous genetic pool of yuck.  Drowning was particularly effective because Shar Peis are the only breed of dog that cannot swim.  Max sinks like a rock when the air is too humid.  Her fur just absorbs it.  She would create a singularity if she actually fell into a pool of water.

                (Yes, Max is sleeping with her head pressed against the metal table leg)

This has lead to her crippling fear of H2O.  She gets bladder infections is it rains for more than 4 days in a row because she refuses to leave the house.  If you pick her up and toss her out the door she will freeze in place and begin to scream loud dog shrieks of agony, as though the rainwater were burning her like acid.  But she will not pee, not unless you walk her in the rain for at least an hour.

When paired together, Max and Whinny have many delightful adventures including such pastimes as:
    Running away from the vacuum
    Spilling the water bowl and panicking because wetness occurs
    Farting
    Falling when they transition from carpet to hardwood during a house patrol
    Sleeping on dark staircases to trip me and then look at me like I am the dumb one
    Running and hiding when my father yells at the TV (usually the Giants)
    Running from the swiffer
    Sleeping under beds and panicking when they get shut in a room
    Not being able to pee unless the other dog is outside too